Required Reading: Letter 3: On True And False Friendship
“But if you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means.”
Let me begin this essay by asking you how many friends do you have? Do you have one, two, three, many? Have you ever had a “friend” in your life? Has there been anyone you could trust as you trust yourself? Not so trifling questions if we consider what Seneca expounds in this letter right? For we are quick to call a casual acquaintance “my friend”.
Be careful; for to truly have a friend, such a person is an extension of you; meaning, everything you feel about yourself; think about yourself; all of your fears and ambitions need to be openly shared with that one as if that person is you!
Think again of the questions posed earlier, do you have such a friend? Has anyone fitted the bill? Is your current spouse, partner, lover; your friend? Are there things you are keeping from them even though you are joint at the hip? Do they know your deepest thoughts? Are you living so as not to harm them just as you wouldn’t harm yourself?
One must begin this day to differentiate acquaintances from friends. It is good to have many acquaintances but friends MUST be chosen with the utmost care! They must be scrutinized; judged by character; tested thoroughly in order to be admitted as FRIENDS.
Think of all great men; all master philosophers; starting with the central character of the Bible’s New Testament; he carefully chose twelve friends for very specific reasons to be in his company; none of them were allowed to follow him without his deliberate selection or approval even if they were brought along by another brother or friend.
See the importance here? Once someone is made a “friend”, you have no worry who they bring to you; for you have total TRUST in their decision to find, select and judge whomever they see as “friends”; in essence, Your Friend and You are ONE! Now, answer that question, do you have a “Friend”?
This lesson from Seneca’s third letter is critical to you as a philosopher; as you journey unto wisdom; for the friend you choose, can open or close the door for you; farewell.
Word of the day:
Ingenuous (adjective): innocent; open; frank (The Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus 2nd Edition.)
Quotations:
“Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all discuss the man himself.”
“Do not judge a man after you have made him your friend, instead, judge a man before making him your friend.” (Paraphrasing Theophrastus).
“Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul.”
“Why need I keep back any words in the presence of my friend? Why should I not regard myself alone when in his company?”
“There is a class of men who communicate, to anyone whom they meet, matters which should be revealed to friends alone…”
“It is equally faulty to trust everyone and to trust no one.”
“Some men shrink into dark corners, to such a degree that they see darkly by day.” -Pomponius.
Questions:
1) How many “friends” do you currently have?
2) Do you think you need many to be happy?
3) Which one of your friends do you really think and feel you can share at least ALL your worries and dreams?
Activity:
1) In your notebook, list all “Friends” and Acquaintances.
2) Go over each name and write down if you can share ALL your worries and dreams with them.
3) Put an “F” or “A” meaning “Friend” or “Acquaintance by each respectively.
4) Set up a weekly meeting with this “F” person (you’ll be blessed to have more than one person) and begin if you haven’t already; to invest time and resources with them. Ideally, if you are extremely blessed, this person would be your spouse/life partner so you are more than advantaged for this daily interaction.